if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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