I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
