It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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