it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
