Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
