i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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