She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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