Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
