I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
