So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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