My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
