seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
