Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
