If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
