DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just blew my weed a kiss
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Randomize
