It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
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This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
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had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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