No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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