He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
