you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
