You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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