I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
