I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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