They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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