tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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