in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
