Say something about gay babies.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
