You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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