I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just pee around me
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
