the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
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I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
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My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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