I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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