The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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