I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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