I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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