it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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