my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
