....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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