life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize