I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
