I smell stomach acid.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
