he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
