you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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