I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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