I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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