rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
