Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
that is very illegal...i love you.
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