Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
