just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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