you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
