my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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