Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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