she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
