why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
