i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
