Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
