Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
