I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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