I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
